Everything is rubbish: The great Mobot mobile roast

Everything is rubbish: The great Mobot mobile roastI like to think I’m quite a positive person. Heck, just a couple of weeks ago, I donned the metaphorical Cap of Optimism and penned Five things to look forward to in 2012.

However, I thought it might be quite interesting for a change to temporarily bin the Cap of Optimism, and instead don the Cape of Hate. Under its influence, I’ll moan about any and all things mobile. Y’know, like one of them comedy roasts? ‘Cept I’m not a comedian, so this’ll probably be rubbish. But what the hey, let’s do it!

Just to be clear, I’m being facetious, though I quite like the idea of a random Mobot newcomer stumbling across this article and thinking: ‘Who the hell is this gigantic moron?’ It’s me. Welcome. I’m not usually like this. Honest.

For one time only, behold the negativity:

iPhone

Ahh, home of the “Fisher Price OS”. Made for – and enjoyed by – babies; babies with more money than sense. With iOS you can do this: absolutely nothing. Team Cupertino insists that you gawk at 4x5 plain old icons on a 3.5in display, much like you did in 2007 with the first iPhone. That’s progress.

“If you don’t have an iPhone, you don’t have an iPhone.” Very true. And if I punch you in the balls, I punch you in the balls.

Android

Google’s open source OS that invites manufacturers and networks to fill it with resource-hogging nonsense. Quality control is largely absent from the Android Marketplace (sorry: Google Play, because that’s so much better), as are many of the smartphone world’s top games, with sensible developers opting instead to pander to the swollen wallets of iOS users.

Ice Cream Sandwich (Android 4.0) landed just as Gingerbread (Android 2.3) distribution hit 50%, and five months later the former accounts for less than 5% of Android devices. And already, Google is hinting at Jelly Bean. Well done, guys.

Samsung Galaxy S II

The phone of choice for anti-Apple cool kids who like to think they know what they’re talking about. Of course, since the Galaxy S II is massively popular and has shifted a ridiculous number of units, Samsung is too obvious a choice now; some are looking to Huawei for the next you-probably-haven’t-heard-of-this-because-you’re-an-idiot device.

Symbian

Dead.

MeeGo

WhoGo?

Nokia

Elop.

Tablets

What the hell is a tablet anyway? Is it a phone? Is it a netbook? Well, kinda both, but not really as useful as either. Half touchscreen phone minus the phone stuff, half cheap netbook without the keyboard; because that’s what everyone needs in his or her life.

Android tablets

Despite the utter pointlessness of tablets, Apple managed to convince many millions of people they couldn’t live without an iPod touch on steroids.

Watching Android manufacturers attempt to emulate the iPad’s success has been nothing short of comical. The Amazon Kindle Fire remains the only non-iPad to make Apple sit up and take notice.

And how did Amazon do it? By releasing a 7in, $199 hunk of plastic, with no external volume control and extremely limited access to the Android Marketplace. Success!

Windows Phone 7

Rather than rack my brain for seven reasons to buy a Windows Phone 7 device, I instead opted for the significantly easier task of selecting Seven Embarrassing Windows Phone 7 headlines.

In its uneventful 18-month life, we’ve seen Windows Phone outsold by the defunct Windows Mobile, the terminally ill Symbian, and – everyone’s favourite OS that no one has heard of – Bada.

Despite being pumped full of cash by Microsoft, Windows Phone 7 continues to elude consumer interest, currently accounting for something like one in fifty smartphones. Number of people I’ve seen with Windows Phone 7 handsets: zero.

Right, the Cape of Hate is going in the bin now. Toodles.

Read more about: AndroidiOSWindows PhoneApple iPadSamsung Galaxy S2

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7 comments

JanSt / MOD  May. 25, 2012 at 13:22

... I know... it's much too hot. Bada Bing

CTPAHHIK  May. 25, 2012 at 13:22

Hilarious, got more?

JanSt / MOD  May. 25, 2012 at 14:02

Ah, yes...
I'm typing this on a Nokia 701. FITTINGLY, it's the first phone in about a year that hasn't annoyed me... Things are bad,

AhmadCentral  May. 25, 2012 at 22:03

"Samsung is too obvious a choice now; some are looking to Huawei for the next you-probably-haven’t-heard-of-this-because-you’re-an-idiot device."#

I lol'd at this. Totally what i'm doing right now :P

Repo  May. 25, 2012 at 22:43

Ah, yes...
I'm typing this on a Nokia 701. FITTINGLY, it's the first phone in about a year that hasn't annoyed me... Things are bad,

Jan... WP7... Hmmm... Are you serious or just hallucinating?

AhmadCentral  May. 25, 2012 at 22:44

701 is symbian mate...

JanSt / MOD  May. 25, 2012 at 22:55

Repo... I may get bored with it, but for now it does what I need, no distractions and it's very fast. Zero bugs. And 2 days battery where the 'cool' phones gave me 6-10 hours.
I'm not saying it's 'better than...'! It just suits me, and the cool phones really did all disappoint in one way or other...

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