Hooligans iOS review

Hooligans iOS review

Bit of a luxury complaint here, but I’m literally (not literally) drowning in review codes for apps these days, and obviously me being me, I’m just blasting through them – largely – at random.

So when a PR cutie – Empress of Babedom, Bestower of Compliments – pops up and says, “Hey, what about my game?” Well, you put that game to the top of the list. Enter: Hooligans.

Good deed aside, I fear relations between myself and the Empress might take a turn for the worse after this here article. See, it’s less Hooligans review, more Five Things That Bothered Me About Hooligans.

A little background first of all. Hooligans is set in a “distant land where Football is a way of life”. You mean, like, Brazil? England? EARTH?

Anyway! The evil government has inexplicably banned football, and as such, we’re tasked with controlling a mob of hooligans on a rampage with an array of weapons including bats and clubs and Molotov cocktails.

Generally we’re marching from left to right, and the aim is to destroy the enemy bus and/or take down the accompanying boss, while despatching units with the in-game currency, namely beer.

And here come those Five Things. Seriously, I’m struggling to keep it as low as five. Catch you after the screenshot.

Hooligans iOS review

1. Who am I rooting for? I’m not sure which is worse; the oppressive government that bans football, or the hooligans who think sending the police “to heaven” is the right thing to do.

2. The “humour”. As I mentioned, the in-game currency is beer, and we’ve also got busty barmaids, and a unit that yells “Taste my stick!” when he’s deployed. I’m not 100% certain, but I suspect that’s a hilarious penis joke. Alternatively, he’s just an ultra-violent thug who wants to smash your mouth in.

3. Kids in handcuffs. If there was any doubt about how evil this government is, well, they’ll happily handcuff kids who dare play football, and make them stand facing a wall. Slightly disturbing.

4. Michael Jackson’s presence. Clearly the developers are unaware that PopCap chose to remove a Michael Jackson character from Plants vs. Zombies after complaints from Jacko’s estate. Oddly, he looks nigh on identical to the Plants vs. Zombies incarnation.

5. Technical stuff. Slowdown, crashes, the intermittent and inexplicable INABILITY TO DEPLOY UNITS (seriously?), the fact that it weighs in at a fairly colossal 1.4GB…

Having said all that, I did find myself playing Hooligans for a worrying amount of time, so maybe there’s some merit in there, somewhere. I’ll be damned if I know how to articulate it though, beyond praising the visuals.

What a strange, strange game.


  • Looks pretty good


  • Hooligans are the good guys?
  • Terrible laddish humour (Boobs! Penis!)
  • Kids in handcuffs
  • Michael Jackson (W the actual F?)
  • Various technical difficulties

Summary: Hooligans is a seriously misjudged alternative World Cup game, and while I spent several hundred words listing my main gripes, that’s the watered-down version; I had several hundred more in the bank. One to avoid, I’m afraid.

Developer: Artik Games

Price: £1.99 @ App Store

Compatibility: “RECOMMENDED USE FOR: IPHONE 4s,5,5s . IPAD 3,4,Air . IPOD TOUCH 5TH”

Hooligans iOS review

Read more about: iOS

Add a comment

You don't need an account to comment. Just enter your email address. We'll keep it private.