Playing mobile games is like taking part in a mini-lottery. With tens of thousands of titles available, more often than not you’ll lose, but stick with it long enough and you’ll occasionally pick up a tenner. Maybe you’ll even win the jackpot. Metaphorically speaking.
As a reviewer, I’m duty bound to review anything and everything. The majority of titles probably score 3/5. Y’know the type; they’re fine; nothing overtly wrong, but nothing particularly great going on. It’s very rare that we award 5/5, and for every five-star title there’s invariably an absolute stinker at the opposite end of the scale.
In this feature, I’ll revisit four of the worst games I’ve had the misfortune to review. They’re all rubbish in their own unique way. Ready?
Galaxy Defender is a vertical-scrolling shooter that redefines the word basic. I reluctantly described the game as “retro”, but don’t expect to find the slightest hint of old-school charm here.
I described the controls as “some of the worst I’ve come across in my years of iPhone gaming”. There’s no dedicated fire button. Instead, you fire automatically when you let go of the direction button. Bizarre.
Looking back at the review, I’m reminded that the only Pro I could think of was the ability to “leave the app at any time”. Conversely, I was unable to keep the Cons to the usual three, and instead listed six.
The summary simply read: “Rubbish”.
I’ve just had a gander at iTunes, and Galaxy Defender has gone from free to 69p. Audacious. Don’t do it.
Ahh, I remember Racer Hunter. The terrible controls rendered the game almost unplayable, not to mention the woeful graphics.
While I resented wasting my time reviewing Galaxy Defender, Racer Hunter was absolutely hilarious. As a game, it’s beyond terrible; as a spectacle, it’s something everyone should check out.
Looks like it’s still free. I highly recommend a quick download. It’s the most you’ll laugh all weekend.
Oh boy. I really wanted to award Four in a row – deluxe 0/5, but the fact that the multiplayer is, er, playable, lifted it squarely into 1/5 territory.
Four in a row – deluxe is essentially one of dozens of versions of Connect 4 for the iPhone. You know the deal: drop coloured tokens into the playing area and attempt to get four in a row, horizontally, vertically or diagonally.
The outrageous AI borders on offensive, and doesn’t appear to vary; playing on Easy or Hard offers a seemingly identical experience. Worst of all, you can often beat your iDevice by laying down four adjacent pieces from the start. Yes, even on hard. Jeez.
Ah well, at least it’s free.
Eek. I might’ve been a tad harsh on Don’t Wake Dad when I awarded it 1/5, and felt slightly guilty when the developer posted a comment saying: “thank you for your honest review, it only helps us make better games.”
Indeed, this was Wonton Studios’ first foray into iOS gaming, and there’s nothing terribly wrong per se. Actually, I should stress that the presentation and everything are top notch. There’s even a tutorial, something I’m constantly demanding from games.
However, the meat of Don’t Wake Dad is, well, not very meaty. Your dad lies on a bed, and the aim is to stop mosquitoes from biting him by swiping them with the touchscreen. That’s it. No levels, no variety.
I really hope Wanton Studios live up to their promise when they say they’re working on “more carefully planned and developed titles which we hope will knock the socks off iPhone gamers everywhere”. Good luck, my friends.