Before I begin ranting (is it just me, or am I ranting more than usual these days?), I should clarify: I’m not proposing that all Facebook users should be hanged. Far from it. Heck, I’d be resigning myself to death if that were the case.
No, what I’m here to do is point out five vomit-inducing habits that have unfortunately become commonplace in the land of Facebook. If you’ve gandered at your News Feed lately, you’ll know exactly what I’m on about.
I did briefly contemplate firing this rant on as a Status Update, but realised it’d serve only to alienate me from 97% of my “friends”. Also, I’m sure there’s some sort of character restriction. Maybe.
Instead, you lot get a slightly more articulate version in the guise of a Mobot feature (*awaits firing*).
Without further ado, here are five legitimate reasons to slap your cyber-friends.
1. Sharing upsetting pictures
While Facebook occasionally yields a vaguely amusing meme or two, the News Feed is all too often cluttered with intentionally upsetting pictures, presented in suitably sanctimonious fashion.
Those with hearts of gold have more important things on their mind; they’re too upset with the world to indulge in pointless cyber-banter.
Enter: babies with two heads, monkeys with three penises, and – on a more serious note – children with cancer and wounded soldiers and the like.
Look, I find these things as concerning and upsetting as the next person, but sharing a picture on Facebook isn’t going to achieve anything. If you really want to help the world, volunteer in a hospital or give to charity or something.
And yes, I appreciate the messages behind the pictures, and raising awareness is a positive thing, but it’s the utterly crass holier-than-thou fashion in which they’re presented that really gets my proverbial goat.
Example: “How many of you will SCROLL PAST this picture of a DEAD ELEPHANT??!!??!! I luv DEAD ELEPHANTS but you probably don’t luv DEAD ELEPHANTS and 98% will SCROLL PAST but your REAL FRIENDS will LIKE and SHARE.” Fug off.
2. Lost pets
Maybe this is something particular to my circle of cyber-friends, but since when did Facebook become a tool for finding lost pets?
A quick browse through my friends list confirms my assumption that they’re largely scattered across the globe, with only a handful in the immediate vicinity. It’s probably fair to say (er, based on zero research) that most people are the same.
As such, it’d be far more effective to make a few posters and stick them up around the neighbourhood, perhaps in the local supermarket. Your cry for help will inevitably be heard by more people, and seriously, your friends, nice as they may seem, don’t give a crap about a friend of a friend’s cat from 30 miles away.
3. Say what you want to say
Man, this is definitely one of the worst. You know those vague status updates, where people blatantly just want attention?
Example: “Cant believe wots hapened”, or: “Could this day get any worse? :(“ In the name of fug, just say what you want to say, instead of waiting for people to chime in with: “Ru alrite, babes? xx” or: “Hope your okay sweetie luv u x”. Sweet Moses.
In fact, the people that pander to these attention cravers are arguably worse. Hang them all. (Don’t actually hang them or I’ll go to prison).
Oh, and not forgetting the glorious reply: “I’m alrite babes. Don’t want to talk about it on here. Fone me.” Don’t want to talk about it on here? For fuuuu…
4. Use private messages
Facebook 101: the News Feed is for information you want to share with ALL FRIENDS. If you have something personal to share, post it on the person’s wall, or send a private message.
Example: “Would just like to say thanks to someone-you’ve-never-heard-of for a wonderful night.” Fugging tell them then!! Good lord.
Also: “Would just like to say how much I love such-and-such.” That’s all well and good, but I just choked on my vomit a little bit.
Seriously, private message, text message, email, or how about good old-fashioned conversation?
5. App and game requests
Requests for stupid games are bad enough, but worse still are requests for apps that blatantly don’t - and can't possibly - do what they claim.
Example: “OMG I can see who has been LOOKING AT MY PROFILE!” No you can’t. Nor can you customise your profile with themes. Not unless Zuckerberg decides you can.
And what’s with all these birthday app requests? Birthdays are (optionally) included by users and can be synced with smartphone calendars and the like. You don’t need a separate app (can you say “data thief”?) for that stuff.
Rant over. Phew.