If there’s one thing that makes me uncomfortable, it’s tearing a game to shreds, especially when it’s put together by a relatively small team of enthusiastic developers, and – worse still – promoted by Hottest PR Girl on the Planet, Margarita.
Alas, I’m duty bound to shove all that stuff to the side and simply explain why Riot Runners is barely worthy of existing on the App Store.
I’m trying to remember exactly how I came across Riot Runners, and I’m pretty certain it was – at one stage – being promoted on the Featured tab of the App Store. In retrospect, that’s quite worrying.
Riot Runners is, in a nutshell, an endless runner. That might immediately incur a chorus of sighs, but I firmly believe there’s life in the old dog yet. Heck, just the other day I was praising Dungeon Highway.
Sadly, Riot Runners feels like it’s been put together using the My First Endless Runner toolkit. It’s just completely devoid of… anything. Astoundingly, the App Store description lists a couple of awards. Really?
There’s so much to dislike about Riot Runners that I barely know where to begin. It’s sluggish, it’s dull, and it just doesn’t feel good to play.
Countless small things bothered me, too, like the fact that my level isn’t clearly stated anywhere. Does it correspond to my multiplier? I think so. Maybe.
The obligatory missions make an appearance (collect X coins, run for Y metres), but bizarrely, you can only view them on the pause menu – something I discovered mere minutes before giving up on Riot Runners entirely.
At this stage you might be thinking: ‘That doesn’t sound too bad, and there’s no shortage of generic endless runners out there. What makes Riot Runners so offensive?’
Well, I’ve been saving my trump card for last. See, at times, without any logic whatsoever, the little robot protagonist will refuse to jump. You tap the screen as normal, but… nothing.
As such, you can look forward to missing out on power-ups, or – worse still – dying. That is just unforgiveable. It doesn’t matter if it’s once every run or once every 10 runs; it shouldn’t happen.
And the icing on the cake: Riot Runners asks for 69p up-front, but proceeds to hold all in-game content – including playable characters and coloured backgrounds – to ransom.
Some of the content has a level pre-requisite, but even when you reach that level, you’ll still need to use the in-game currency to buy it. Incredible.
Summary: Riot Runners is quite possibly the worst endless runner I’ve ever played.
Developer: Room 8
Price: 69p @ App Store
Compatibility: Requires iOS 6.0 or later. Compatible with iPhone 4S or above.