Spending an inhuman amount of time reading and writing about mobile phones, it’ll come as no surprise to hear that people – friends, family, relative strangers – regularly ask me all sorts of phone-related questions.
Take a second to think, people. Imagine knowing a clown and asking him to perform on demand. Sometimes the clown just wants to chill out. Probably the last thing he wants to think about on his downtime is being a clown. Know wha’m sayin’?
Alas, that particular logic is apparently lost on many people, and the mobile questions flow thick and fast. Mostly thick.
Yeah, it wouldn’t be so bad if the questions were specific. I don’t mind, for example, someone asking: “What’s the best phone I can get for £100?” Actually, I take it back. Even that’s really annoying.
Here are some of the most common questions I’m asked:
What’s the best phone?
What’s the best phone ever? What’s the best phone money can buy? What’s the best phone for you? Also: best is subjective, man.
Having said that, the “best” phone on the market at present is probably the iPhone 5, or the Samsung Galaxy S III, or the Samsung Galaxy Note 2, or the, uhm, Nokia Lumia 920. Any will do; they’re all much the same thing. Honest.
What phone should I buy?
Sigh. This is probably the worst one. It’s like asking Jeremy Clarkson which car you should buy. Not that I’m saying I’m the Jeremy Clarkson of the mobile world. Nah, I’m more like… some guy who repairs Skodas in the Czech Republic, but he has a hot Czech girlfriend. Mmm, hot Czech girlfriend…
Or maybe you could go ask Phil Spencer which house you should buy. I’m sure he’ll be happy to hook you up.
Where were we? Ah, what phone should you buy? I dunno; what do you use it for? Calls? Texts? Emails? Taking pictures? Browsing the interweb? Gaming? All of the above?
Different phones suit different people, hence why there are so bloomin’ many of them. Read about them, play with them; find the phone that best suits you. Or just buy an iPhone.
Should I buy an iPad?
I really don’t know. Should I buy teabags?
Back when I bought my iPad, I struggled to explain to the mothership why anyone would want – or need – an iPad. “What does it do that your phone or laptop can’t do?” Uhm…
I’m still clinging to the “I need it to play and review iOS games” excuse, and if that weren’t the case, I probably wouldn’t have an iPad at all. True story.
What contract should I go on?
Yes, because I have an internal database with everyone’s – seriously, everyone’s – monthly usage, including minutes, texts and data. I can also tell you what network coverage is like where you live and work without batting an eyelid. Go ahead. Ask me.
What apps should I get?
All of them. Just download them all. They’re all excellent.
What games should I play?
Okay, games I don’t mind talking about, though I invariably struggle to remember the good stuff.
Let’s see… Infinity Blade I & II, Angry Birds Star Wars, Bad Piggies, Letterpress, Temple Run 2, GTA III, GTA Vice City, Jetpack Joyride, Cut the Rope, N.O.V.A. 1-3, Asphalt 7, Rayman Jungle Run, The Room, Super Hexagon, Draw Something… the list goes on.
Can you fix my phone?
Back when I worked for <insert company name> Broadband, people would frequently ask if I could “fix” their broadband or “fix” their computer. To be fair, I probably could, but whether or not I would is a different thing entirely.
Am I a bad friend/son/brother/colleague? Yes. Yes I am.
As for fixing your phone, start with google. Google's your friend.