Whether you‘re a rep or a CEO, before speaking on behalf of your company it’s essential that you master the art of bullshit. You’ll inevitably find yourself promoting a new and obviously-rubbish product, or attempting to dig your way out of a hole with verbal dexterity.
Showing weakness isn’t an option. There’s no admitting: “Yeah, we kinda rushed this thing out,” or: “Meh, it’s not a patch on the iPhone 4.” But that’s fair enough. Doing so would be commercial suicide.
On the plus side, talking complete and utter crap is often amusing from the consumer’s point of view. Here are some of our favourite quotes from the past few months.
RIM recently released the BlackBerry PlayBook without a native email client. As such, the only way to use email on the tablet at present is via your BlackBerry smartphone. Responding to allegations that the BlackBerry PlayBook had been rushed out, RIM CEO Jim Balsillie said: “I don’t think that’s fair. A lot of the people that want this want a secure and free extension of their BlackBerry.”And for those who don’t have a BlackBerry…?
Better still, Jim went on to compare the PlayBook to the iPad 2, saying: “This is superior. It’s far more portable, it’s lighter in your hands, you can hold it for longer.” I can hold a can of beans in my hands for longer too, but that doesn’t make it better than the iPad.
In other news, HP's European boss, Eric Cador, has high hopes for the HP TouchPad; very high hopes. “In the PC world, with fewer ways of differentiating HP’s products from our competitors, we became number one; in the tablet world we’re going to become better than number one. We call it number one plus.” Sweet Jesus.
David Hilton, MD of Sony Ericsson, was confident the Xperia Play could give the iPhone 4 a run for its money. In anticipation of the PlayStation Phone’s launch he said: "The first thing this does is put Sony Ericsson firmly back in the game of smart phones. It puts our smartphones out there with the latest Android technology, the benefits of that coupled with the best of Sony technology that make using a Sony Ericsson much more satisfying, much more enjoyable and frankly much more cool than using an iPhone." He went a bit dad-like at the end there, huh? Is the Xperia Play “wicked” too, Dave?
And just this week, a Nokia press release promised we’ll see a “market disrupting device” on June 21. We’re willing to bet the market will remain thoroughly undisrupted.
Right, I’m off for a shower, but not just any shower; a shower that delivers an unparalleled ultra-dynamic wash experience, with five-star top-to-bottom cleanliness, putting the end user firmly among the cleanest people on the planet.